Daily Masks: Failure and Self-Sabotage
“...sometimes when we are beating ourselves up we need to stop and say, ‘Man, I am doing the very best I can right now.’” — Brené Brown
At 32, I found myself as a single mom of a beautiful four-year-old daughter, living in a rental and trying to figure out how to move forward. I wasn’t the first in my family to be divorced, but being raised by parents who are still married, surrounded by a sea of intact families, and wanting the best for my daughter made me question everything.
I had a stable job and an incredible support system, yet I still felt like I had failed — failed myself, my family, and most importantly, my daughter.
Failure Is a Powerful Motivator for the Mask
Failure is one of the most common reasons we wear emotional masks. If I hide it well enough, no one will notice. If I cover the pain, I can “fake it” until I can actually make it. But what does that really mean?
Thankfully, my so-called “failure” happened before social media created its illusion of “normal.” Still, it haunted me for years that despite helping people all day, I couldn’t fix my own marriage.
What if we lived in a world where talking about failure was accepted? Where we could be transparent with those closest to us instead of hiding behind a mask that fuels shame, self-doubt, and self-sabotage?
When failure stays hidden, it becomes our truth. And when it becomes our truth, it shapes our life.
Thoughts = Emotions = Behaviors
If you think you are a failure, you’ll feel like a failure — and then you’ll act like one. Your choices will align with what you feel you deserve instead of what you know you’re worth.
That’s how failure fuels self-sabotage. If you believe you can’t maintain a relationship, a healthy weight, or a steady job, you’ll unconsciously make choices that confirm that belief. It becomes a cycle — a self-fulfilling prophecy that seeps into every part of your life.
The good news? It can be changed.
Redefining What Failure Means
We all define failure through our own lens. What feels like failure to me might look like success to you — and vice versa. The definition itself doesn’t matter as much as what we do with it.
Will you live in the shadow of what you believe is a failure and let it add another layer to your mask? Or will you forgive yourself, offer grace, and learn from it?
I know — easier said than done. But it’s possible.
Revisiting the Mask
In my last post, we talked about shame. (If you missed it, you can find it below this one!) Did you notice a difference between how you feel and what you show others? Is there one area where you can begin to let go and show the real you?
It takes time and courage to live authentically. Together, we can get there — one step, one issue, one risk at a time. Each choice to be real merges the inside of your mask with what’s seen on the outside, allowing you to finally breathe and thrive.
A Simple Challenge
If you’re up for it, take a few minutes to write a list of your failures. The little ones, the big ones, the funny ones, and the painful ones.
This isn’t to dwell on what’s broken — it’s to start peeling back what you’ve been hiding behind. You might find moments you can laugh at now, ones you can forgive yourself for, and some that may take more healing.
Every step of awareness is a step toward freedom.
Living Without the Mask
The only way to live without a mask is to figure out who you are behind it. The process can be uncomfortable, even painful at times. But creating a life you can truly thrive in is worth every bit of the journey.
As I said before, being known for who you uniquely are at your core is freeing. It takes bravery and vulnerability — but it’s absolutely achievable.
Always remember to take care of you.
You are worth it.
Grab the free Perfectionism Workbook, which helps you untangle your self-worth from your to-do list and finally breathe again.
If you’re ready to dig deeper into your story and start showing up as your most authentic self, therapy can help.
I offer online therapy for helping professionals, busy professionals, and therapists who are ready to reconnect with their worth and live with greater balance and clarity.
Learn more about online therapy with Melissa Russiano or schedule a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
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